Trip to the Barbershop
by irite
Summary: Tony gets a haircut. What could possibly go wrong? Prologue to "Reciprocal Revenge."


**I got a bad haircut the other day, and I started wondering what Tony would do if he got one. This is the result.**

**Many thanks to my beta, dysprositos, for the super-fast job. Things are much clearer now.**

**Brief language warning.**

**7/30 UPDATE: Is now the prologue to "Reciprocal Revenge."**

* * *

When Pepper shoved Tony through the doors of the swanky barbershop, the gal behind the desk said that his usual stylist wasn't in. Pepper spoke for Tony, telling the receptionist that Tony would see whoever wasn't busy.

_Famous last words, Pep._

The young man was clearly new, as he gawked like he'd never seen a rich client before. (He had. Frequently, in fact, as Tony would find out later.)

After staring open-mouthed at Tony, he motioned for Tony to follow him to the back. Pepper kissed Tony's cheek and said to call her when he was done.

Tony went along with the man and sat down. The stylist introduced himself as Michael, and asked Tony if he had any requests. Tony, who knew little about this sort of thing, said that he didn't.

Hindsight was always 20/20, and Tony would remember the diabolical look on Michael's face, visible for only a second before his expression was once again a smiling, blank mask.

Michael pulled out some clippers and went to work. Tony didn't like having a strange person wielding a sharp item that close to his face, so he closed his eyes. He _had_ promised Pepper that he would behave.

The clipper noise continued. Tony felt a swipe across his chin.

He opened his eyes and protested, "Hey, that's my face! Watch the merchandise!"

His back was to the mirror, or his jaw would have been on the floor at the damage done to his prized goatee.

Tony closed his eyes again and made a silent promise to program an AI to cut his hair the second he got back to the Tower.

Michael finished and spun Tony around with a flourish.

The second Tony saw himself in the mirror, he let out a girlish scream—something he would deny later, especially when Natasha and Clint heard about it. The two were _terrible_ jokesters.

His hair, his wonderful hair, was utterly wrecked. It was shaved completely to the scalp on the left, and random chunks were missing from the right.

That wasn't the worst of it, though. Tony's prize goatee was missing a large chunk across the chin.

Tony speed-dialed Pepper, but hung up when she answered. She didn't deserve to be yelled at, and he knew it.

Michael was still smiling, like he'd done nothing wrong, indeed, as if he were proud of his work.

That was the last straw. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO? My hair is ruined! Do you have any idea how much you've just cost yourself?"

Tony's screams brought the proprietor running to the scene. He took one look at Tony and visibly paled.

"Mr. Stark, I am so sorry about this. Please accept my apologies. You will not have to pay for this, and Michael will be dealt with severely. If you'll just come with me, we'll get you a gift card and some complimentary hair products."

Attempting to bribe an angry Tony was a very bad idea.

"I WILL NOT BE BRIBED! I WANT HIM FIRED, ASAP!"

Michael decided to intervene, "Mr. Stark, surely that won't be necessary. It was just a little fun, that's all."

Tony's face was redder than Thor's cape by this point. Before he could explode again, Pepper and several members of Stark Industry's security detail ran through the door.

Pepper took one look at the situation and started barking orders.

"John, Greg, get Mr. Stark to the limo. Keep him there."

Tony was hustled out, despite his protests.

"Where is the manager? We will not be paying for this haircut, nor should you expect our business again. Consider yourselves lucky if you are not sued."

Pepper swept out the door to do the more dangerous part of damage control: Tony.

He was sitting mutinously in the back of the limo. Pepper stepped in.

Tony sulked, "I can't go home like this. Can you imagine what the others will say?"

"Tony, I'm sorry. We're going to the girl who does my hair. Do you want what's left fixed or a wig?"

Tony looked horrified at the prospect of a wig.

"Fixed it is, then."

* * *

When Tony arrived at the Tower that evening, he was nearly bald and the lower half of his goatee was missing.

Steve's response was "Howard?" and a very unmanly faint.

Clint and Natasha started snapping pictures of Steve, while a concerned Thor asked Tony if everything was ok.

Unnoticed in the commotion, Bruce sidled up to Pepper, promising her anything within his means if she would tell him how Tony had come to look this way.

He'd buy her that new pair of Louboutins he'd seen her eyeing if pictures were included.

* * *

Pepper handed Bruce an envelope, and took the shoebox he offered her. Gravely, they shook hands, and agreed to do business again sometime in the future. Pepper told him she'd get back to him on that favor, just as soon as she thought of something suitable.

Bruce hurried out to have the pictures duplicated and copies hidden in secure locations.

* * *

When Tony opened his email the next morning, there was no denying the shriek that echoed through the Tower. It was far too feminine to be Natasha, and Pepper was out running errands. That left only Tony.

The other Avengers went running as Bruce smiled evilly.


End file.
